Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in drummin34's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, January 21st, 2006
12:12 am	District Sleeps Alone Tonight I feel sick, i haven't felt the way i feel right now in a while. I have been thinking about kelly all night and everything that has to do with her. SHe realy is my true source of happiness and i am really thinking of going down there soon. i can't handle being alone anymore. this is harder then when she went down the first time. i am sure its bc i was a jerk before she left. i still feel bad and sick to my stomach for how i did that to you. i am sorry with all my heart. but at the same time i can't handle this. i am just sitting here on a friday night dreaming of next year. i want to do something for it, make it come faster or easier some how. but i can't. i wasn't able to talk to my mom about it yet. i will try tomorrow. but i know when i wake up i will want to sit by my comp and talk to kelly all day and get as much in with her as possible. that is the only time i have any fun when she is gone. that is talkin to her. she is such an amazing girl and she deserves the best in life. i just hope i can give that to her. i feel a small case of minor depression hittin me. i used to feel this way before when i was lonely. i am lonely, extremely lonely...the bad thing this time is i have tasted what i want in life and she is 1000miles away from me. i am going to try and lay down and see if that will make me feel better. kelly my dear, i love you with all my heart. MUAH xoxo x 17...until next time... Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
12:38 pm	Close to losing something that means more to me then life itself Its been a while since i have updated, and its been about a year since i started writing in these. Thinking back over the past year, i realized why i started writing in my journal. It was bc i had so many feelings for kelly at the time and i didn't want to freak her out by telling her everything at once...She meant alot to me right away and i knew we had something great going from the beginning. Its now a year later and we are still going strong with our bumps and bruises. Again i have all these feelings for her and i can tell them to her now but i will write them down...Kelly, i am sorry for last week, it was all my fault and i just got used to life with everything i was used to in life plus you back in it. Your the one thing that keeps me going everyday and that will never change. Yesturday was our offical one year anniversary, but you and me both feel like its back in december. Thinking back on the past year, i have noticed that the only time i was truely happy was when i was with you or thinking about you. Your the one for me and that will never change. Thank you for the happiest year of my life and i am looking forward to many more years to come. Next year needs to be tomorrow. Talking about it with you and just imagining life in the sunshine mountains with you by myside is amazing. Life here in chicago is amazing...i am not going to lie and its hard to think about leaving it...but its only amazing and great when your here to share it with. That is why i freaked out the way i did. You were here with me, and now your not and its said and lonely. I need/want to be with you no matter where that is. I was told a long time ago by my parents, "When you love someone, truely love them, you need to make sacrifices." I am about to make a sacrifice, and i know its going to be the best sacrifice i have ever made. I don't even want to call it a sacrifice bc a sacrifice is when you give up something hoping you get more in return...i already know i will be getting a ton more in return. Its upsetting knowing that i can't see you right now even tho i really really need too. YestERday was our one year anniversary. Its an exciting day, but its upsetting i couldn't share it with you. We really need to work together on getting there. I really wish we knew what the next step was so we can do it. I will email people for a job next year. We can try and figure things out. Lets just try and enjoy each other and the time it will take to get there, even tho the majority of the time we will be apart. I love you with all of my heart and thats all that matters...just remember that. I need to go get ready for work bc i need to do alot of this coming up in the next months so i can have even MORE MONEY next year. I Love You With All My Heart Kelly LeGear. until next time.... Current Mood: excited (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
9:28 pm	All these things that i've become Its been a while since i have updated. It actually hurts a little to type, so i am unsure how much i will get out. I will start off by just saying that i may have torn some ligaments in my left thumb playing football and that is why it hurts. On a brighter note, Kelly comes home a week from tomorrow. I am extremely excited to pick her up from the airport and just be with her again. That is definitly the only thing i really got going for me...its been the only thing i have had going for me since i left arizona. On too whats been happening in my life other than kelly and my damn thumb. I hate my job, i am in desperate search for a new one. I have concluded that i will write ASU a letter explaining my story and why i thing ASU is for me. A butter up letter as i like to call them. Other then that, i have done a lot of soul searching lately. Kelly and i have been arguing a little here and there and i didn't like it one bit. I wanted to see exactly what it was causing the fights and i realized what it was. My biggest fear. ME! It was me the whole time. I am insecure about myself. I have always been like that. Never understood why, but i am. Its not just with girls, its with friends, girls, and family members. I think the worst scenerio for situations. The worst scenerio as in the worst one that effects me the most. Like being cheated on, all my friends getting together without letting me know and talking about me, or just my family talking about how they aren't proud of me. I know i really don't have anything going for me as of now, but i will someday...work wise. The only thing i have is kelly which is the best thing to have, but i almost pushed her away bc of my insecurities. They have nothing to do with her, its all me. At the same time, i have never had any real support in my life with my decisions. Kelly, i think that is why i cling on to you when it comes to things i decide to do. And when i didn't have you i clinged on to nate. It really does suck that i am like this and i really really don't want to be. I will grow away from this, but at the same time, i need help. I have never really wanted to talk about this, or been able to talk about it with anyone. I really do hate it that i am like this. Kelly is the perfect, best thing that has ever happened to me, and i am going to lose/throw it all away. I wont let it happen. There are some things in this life that i am looking forward to and being with kelly forever is definitly one of them. I know i wish i could go to sleep tonight and wake up in 4 years when College is done and we could finally start our life together with no interuptions. I will do anything and everything for you kelly. Thank you for making me the happiest guy in the world. Love you so much...until next time..... Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
10:49 pm	Last lonesome night before all pain is gone...well for at least a couple of days Tonight is the last night i sleep alone...at least for a couple of days. I fly out tomorrow afternoon to go see the one i love. I am starting to get real nervous. I have never been a fan of flying. The first time i did it i was alright i guess, but i had someone i knew sitting next to me. This will be a nice treat. I really think that i am just freaking out about it now bc i am able to think about it. I am packing to go on the airport. Once i stop thinking of the trip, and start thinking about whats on the otherside. I know this upcoming week is another test for kelly and me. It will be the longest that the two of us are together, and it will have me entering her world. The world that i have never been a part of. I dont see a problem with either one. I mean if all goes well, i will be a huge part of it next year. Either selling real estate, or going to school down there. Oh yea...i am really considering becoming a Real Estate agent. You can make damn good money doing it and everyone that i have told so far thinks i have the best personality for it. So i am hoping that all works out, then get a job down in AZ selling real estate and living with kelly. All i know is either way i will be living with kelly next year. If she comes home, i will be making MORE than enough money that we can get a place together. I dont know...things suck in there ways, i have been real mopey lately, don't really know why. I feel pressured with things, i don't like my life and how it is going right now. I really have nothing to look forward too day to day. Kelly is my excitement. I talk to her all the time, and during that time, i am happy...as soon as we hang up i am empty and lost again. I love my mom to death, but she can be not controlling, but tooooooo caring...my dad is a total asshole and really honestly drives me away. I really think that i would be gone next year no matter what...I dont know...i hate feeling like this, i hate the pain, the loneliness, the waiting, just alot of stuff. And its all weird bc seriously in like 15 hours all of those feelings will completely disappear. I will have no memory of the past 38 days where i was lonely. I really can't wait to finally be able to kiss her lips, hug her, look into those beautiful eyes. Its something i miss dearly and can't live without. Tomorrow is a whole new beginning for me...i need it now, i cna't wait anymore...sleep is so pointless, dreams of you, then after waking, nothing around me but emptiness, your image being ripped from my memory, your eyes still burning a whole, in my soul, my heart being taken from me, going far distances, and the 1 that holds it, is as gentle as can be...until next time... Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
9:44 pm	600,000,000,000 people in the world and i found my 1 Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurts to not have it? Have you ever needed something just as much as food, water, shelter, clothing, and not be able to get it. I do that everyday. That is my everyday life without the one i love. I have found my soulmate, the 1, the 1 that i think of first thing every morning, the 1 that i think about as i fall asleep, the 1 that i dream about everynight, the 1 that i want to make the happiest in the world, the 1 important thing in my life, the 1 source of happiness, the 1 thing i will fight for, the 1 thing that breaks me inside bc i can't be with them every second of every minute, the 1 that i will wait an eternity for just to hold, just to kiss, just to hold their hand, just to look into their eyes, and just to whisper in their ear how much i love them. My 1 is so special. She is beyond anything that i could ask for. The feelings i get with her are so undescribable. I sat here tonight and watched one tree hill. A show that i would never have started watching if it wasn't for the 1. During the show i broke down. I looked around my room and remembered how we used to lay on our stomachs and watch it together. Even tho i would tape it, we would let the commercials play thru and we would talk, flirt, wrestle, and just enjoy each other. Everything that i do reminds me of a time with her. Everytime i am reminded of her i think of the little things that we cant share right now. So many people tell me that we are going to do fine and that next year will be here like tomorrow. You know what...its not. Its been tomorrow so many times and all it is is another day i don't wake up next to her. I am only 20 years old, and i have no idea what career i want to go into. Before that scared me to death. I was scared that i wouldn't be able to find someone that is special bc i wouldn't be sucessful. I thought i was going to live at home forever with my parents bc i wouldn't be able to afford anything else. Ever since she has been in my life, the only fear i have had is not being able to be with her. I am crying so much right now bc all i want to do is be able to look at her. She is my everything. Nothing like being 20 years old and knowing what i want for my future...but my future taking so long to get here. When i didn't want time to fly it flew by, and now its dragging. The things that i would do for this girl is completely out of this world. I would die for her. I would do whatever it takes to make her the happiest. There is nothing...nothing...i miss more than her, her smell, her eyes, her sarcasm, her love of max and mickey, her love for being with me, and her love for me. I know all of that is there, but its not the same. I want out lives to start together. I want it to be next year. I play all of the little things that we will go thru all the time in my head. Driving down there, moving in, our first night in our place together...just everything. Every decision i make is made by me thinking what is the best for the both of us. She isnt just my girlfriend. She is my best friend, part of my family, and someone that i want to be with forever, the one i need to be with forever. I can't wait for 29 more days. I will be able to be with her and relive everything that comes natural to us. Holding each other, kissing each other, cuddling to fall asleep...just everything. I Love Her So Much...she has no idea bc i can't explain it. I LOVE YOU KELLY!!!!!!! XOXO times 17. MUAH. Until next time.... Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
8:24 pm	Is someone getting the best the best the best the best of you? Well its been exactly one week since i have been able to kiss her. Last weekend was everything i thought it was going to be...simply amazing. The time that i spent with kelly last weekend will never be forgotten. It seriously was the best weekend i have ever had, and ever looked forward to. The wedding was a great time also. I really really really like her family. It is the first time that i have ever been that comfortable with another persons family. That makes me feel good, and its a sign. Having her taken from me so she could board the plane was the hardest thing i ever had to do. The escaltor trip to our goodbye was the saddest thing. Having to walk away and watch her walk away tore my heart out. Why does something that is pure and perfect must prove itself...why can't we just be together like we are meant to be. That is what next year is for i guess. I found out today that my GPA isn't good enough yet to transfer to ASU. That upset me alot, but you know what...that is just a reason to really get my shit together and start working hard on hw and studying for tests...I will be there next year no matter what...i want to bring happiness to kelly and myself. I went shopping tonight for some jeans...found a couple of pairs but supposedly they have a sale starting on wednesday so i didn't buy them yet...i then drove around the area just thinking about stuff. It was peaceful and good. I was able to just kind of lose myself in thought and think alot about alot of things. Can't wait to wake kelly up in 30 mins from her nap...she deserved it. I miss her to death. 31 more days until i get to go down there and see her. I can't wait. Well i have hw to do. Until next time... Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
9:43 pm	I am colorblind coffee black and egg white pull me out from inside i am ready i am ready i am Haven't updated since sunday i think. Not a whole lot has happened. Everything with kelly and me are great. I had my first psych/math class. The teacher is a nice old chinese lady, which means you cant understand a word she says. Had a Spanish test on wednesday and i aced it. I have this whole new outlook about school. I actually study, i actually do my hw, and it really has shown me that it actually helps. I participate a little more in discussions and when the teacher calls on me i kind of know what i am talking about. I got a huge anthropology test on wednesday. It will be nice, i get that out of the way, long day working, and then......KELLY TIME. Of course this week is going to drag some major ass. Saturday is Johnny's 30th bday party at a bar/bowling alley. I don't know if i am going to go yet. I mean i love all of them to death, but they don't really do it for me anymore. I think its bc i dont have kelly with me. I used to love hanging out with all of them, but after kelly came into the pic and started hanging out with them too, it made me realize how special she is. It also made hanging out with everyone that much more special. It sucks doing things back at home without the other puzzle piece that used to share everything with you. Kelly just told me tonight that one of her guy friends tells her all the time that he likes her. Now i know i have nothing to worry about with kelly, but if the guy makes any kind of move i don't know what i would do. I have 2 pet peeves. When someone tells me that something is bothering them, or they know something i dont know, or announces something then caught it off, and never say anything about it....and guys who hit on girls when they know they have boyfriends. Its like all bc you can't get a girl buddy, don't attempt ruining someone else's life when they got something great. I can't stand guys like that, and i want to beat the crap out of all guys that do it, not just the ones that do it to my girlfriend. Like i want to know if they attempt anything, just so i know that kelly is handling herself after situations. I know she is a big girl, and she survived 17 1/2 years of her life without me, but at the same time i just like hearing it from her that she is ok and she handled the situation well. I know that if some asshole does try something she will take care of the situation. She will be fine. I have all the trust and faith in her. I just wish that i could be there for her in more ways, and that i would learn to control my feelings about stuff before letting it get to me. I love her to death and she is my bright star in the dark sky. I would do anything for her, i would give up anything for her, and i want to be with her. She is the best thing that has happened to me since i learned to drive [if i didn't know how to drive, we wouldn't be where we are babe bc it all started with me driving you home ;)]. Thank you for being patient with me...i know i haven't been making your college experience fun so far, but i will change for the better and everything will be back to normal. I really want that. I am nervous about getting excepted next year to ASU. That is the first step to the future i want. If that doesn't happen, its going to make things a lot harder but not impossible. I don't care what it takes, i will have the money for an apartment next year and if kelly can help out, great, if she can't, great. I don't want her money...i will support her in every way. I honestly believe that an apartment for us would be a great idea. We spent almost everyday together over the summer...for decent amount of time, and not once been bored, aggravated, or wishing we were somewhere else. It doesn't matter what we do, we always have and will continue to have the best times of our lives. That is the one thing that keeps me going. Knowing that i will be with her soon enough. Good things happen to those who wait. I will wait for kelly forever if i have to. I love her to death and really can't wait to look into her eyes. I LOVE YOU BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!MUAH!!!!!!!!!!!! until next time... Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
11:21 am	I lay my head onto the sand, the sky looks like a black canaopy with holes punched in it. I WISH YOU WERE HERE! I tried something new the past 2 days. I surrounded my self with my friends. Last night i had people over at my house...nothing big, few friends, a few drinks, and no kelly. Today i had football. Thinking ok...play some football and get my mind of things...nope, everytime i looked to the sideline i could picture kelly sitting there with my beavers hat on. Everything that happens here, or i do here is not fun at all bc there is something always missing from the equation. This is so hard...it really is. I never thought that i could ever love someone as much as her, or miss someone as much as her. I was hoping that my life would be crammed with stuff so i wouldn't have time to think about things, and its not. I can't im someone that lives down the hall with me and go somewhere with them. I dont have that luxury of having some many people around me that i could find something to do with. I got nothing, i have friends that couldn't even see that there was something wrong with me. The guys at football are cool and all but they don't really get into my personal life. It is just really hard and i don't know what to do with myself. I love her so much. I also feel as the days get longer since we have seen each other that she is moving farther apart from me, and i don't know if i feel that or think that. I can't seperate them anymore. This is all one big blur to me. The only time that i am happy is when my phone rings with a call, or a text and if its not her then i my whole body hurts. I am also happy when we are talking no matter how late, or about...those are my only two times that i have to look forward too. This is just the hardest thing that i have ever experienced and i don't know waht to do. I have no one to talk to about this but kelly, and she cant talk about it all the time bc it makes her depressed. I just wish that i could skip to the future and we can be together. I wish that she wont forget the special connection that we have. She has so many temptations being thrown around, and i am positive that ben, justin, brian, and brad all like her bc they would be crazy not to. I can't be replaced. It upset me alittle that justin was going with her to get her nails done bc that is what i do. I see her having fun without me, with other guys (not in a bf/gf kind of way) but just in general, and that makes me feel like i come 2nd. I don't know what i am saying...this past week has been the hardest week of my life and i don't see it getting better until i pick her up at the airport, then its back to the crabby life i live without her by my side. I just hope it gets better. I Love You Kelly with everything that i have to offer and more. I miss you more than anything and i can't wait to hold you again. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MORE KELLY, I REALLY DO. until next time... Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
6:34 pm	Shitty week with shitty results but one light shinning thru I am so freaking tired. I am exhausted in general. I have been working so much lately, and i can't complain one bit bc i need the money. I am tired of being alone. I am lost without kelly. I really am. Plus i just found out that the one thing that i was proud of myself about and its not going to happen. I will not be graduating from COD this year, and that really bums me out. I was so excited about it and i was finally excited about something that i was going to do on my own and now i lost it. It sucks bc i told everyone about it and now i am just going to get made fun of especially from the people at work. Fuck them tho. I seriously cant stand working with them sometimes. They, including my fucking fatass asshole of a dad, are ignorant sons of bitches. I was in a good mood today until i found out about COD. At least it wont have an affect on plans for the future. I did send out my college transcripts to ASU for next year. I am kind of excited about that. I hope i find out ASAP just so i have that going for me and its done with. 13 more days until i get to hold my baby. We have been doing really good about the whole distance relationship. We are doing the "impossible" according to everyone that feels like they should put there 2 cents in. The only thing that i can say to all of you is thank you for having faith, and FUCK OFF bc our love is stronger than thousands of miles between us. Its not our fault that you guys haven't experienced something so pure that you can hold onto forever and that your scared to try something that may be hard and painful, but is still the greatest thing in the world. So like is said FUCK OFF. As for the guys i work with you guys are the scum of the Earth. Dan...your 36 and live with your buddy and his wife. Sorry that your a slob and that no girl will ever be interested in you. Kevin...your 34 and live with your parents. Your wife left you for someone else, go figure. I wonder why that is, oh bc your a fucking dork that is still attending classes at a college without even getting an associates degree yet. Sorry that our relationship effects your guys' life bc i am so much younger than you guys, have something this strong pure, and unlike you guys, i am not going to fuck up my future or kelly's and my future. And my own fucking dad getting in on the action. He sits there and praises all of his other kids to all the guys in front of me, and when dan is like what about john...he replies well you all know john, need i say more. And then talking about how i am graduating, well was graduating, and how that doesn't matter bc jay is in medical school. Thats fuckin AWEsome. I am not jay, i will never be jay, i don't want to be jay, and i don't want to follow jay's foot steps. I am john and i will do what i want and when i figure it all out i will do it. Right now i need and want kelly so bad. The time apart has made us so close and stronger. I honestly want to invite every mother fucker to our wedding that said we wouldn't make it and give them ther own section of the reception/dinner and then everyone else can make fun of them. Sorry about venting, but that is what these are for. Kelly, i get to see your gorgeous face in 13 days. That seems like an eternity. I love you with all my heart, and the only thing that got me thru these couple of days is knowing that i am making money for us next year and that made all of the pain and exhaustion go away and i worked even harder. I will do whatever it takes to be with you next year. I will sacrafice everything. I will sell anything and everything i own to be with you. Your my one and only and knowing that makes it all worth doing. Your a very special person, friend, and girlfriend and i look forward to learning about life with you. Thank you for being there for me with everything and i will always be ther for you. I Love You More!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo ;) MUAH until next time... Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
11:21 pm	got this from kelly fill it out please 1.Your Name: 2. Age: 3. Fave Color: 4. Fave Movie: 5. Fave Song: 6. Fave Band: 7. Most Embarassing Moment: 8. Are you a virgin? HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ... 1. Are we friends? 2. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out? 3. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you: 4. Would you take care of me when I'm sick? 5. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before? 6. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me? 7. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me? 8. Do you think I'm a good person? 9. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)? 10. Would you call me just because? 11. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you? 12. If you could change anything about me, would you? 13. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out? 14. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
11:07 pm	Would you take my hand and never let me go and promise me that you will never let me go Things have been good and alright i guess since i wrote last. The hole kelly being across the country is still pretty tough. Just trying to get used to not seeing her and her trying to start a new life there is hard to grasp. I know that she loves me and that she will not hurt me, but the distance is painful. I don't have anything to do so i sit in my room and try and stay focused on stuff. My mind wonders around and i think of the most horrible things that could happen. Of course i have no control over people's hearts or feelings, but i know what our heart is saying for each other and i would just like to grasp onto that and skip ahead to when we can be together again. :sigh: On the brightside though i foundout that i will actually be able to graduate from COD this year. That makes transfering easier to ASU next year and i would think that as long as my GPA is up i can get more in school scholarships, grants, and loans. I put alot of pressure on kelly tonight talking about next year and the apartment. Sorry babe. After the whole graduating thing i just got so excited about being with you again and having the chance to live with you. I would love to be able to share that with you. SO when the time is right, and we both have a better idea of whats going on, we will talk to each other and our parents about the situation. Hopefully your parents will help out. I hope they can look past the fact that there daughter is moving in with a guy and see that there daughter is moving in with a guy that treats her the way she deserves to be treated, like an angel, and loves her with all of his heart. Its not some random guy that they don't know. But thats not until then...see there i go again bringing it up. That is almost as great as kelly coming home in 29 days. Man i can't wait. I have been working kind of steadily. That is great. I am going ot start putting 3/4 of my pay check in the bank and not touch it at all except to fly down and visit kelly. The rest of the money goes towards me for bills, gas, and whatever kind of social life i can gather here with no one, except james, football guys, and family. I have realized that my whole perspective on the kelly/john situation is alot better then my perspective on the alysha/john situation when she went to college. That could be why she cheated on me...go figure. Kelly is not like any other girl. She doesn't party all the time and when she does, she knows her limits, she isn't there searching for some random hookups, she has a lot to prove to a lot of people and i really believe that she will prove all of them wrong. I will do whatever i can to help her out. If that means staying up late doing research, or just kind of hiding out in the corner for when she needs me. Either one i will do and more. The only thing that i am scared of now is that she will get bored with me bc she can't be with me. It is impossible for people like us to get bored with each other when we are together, but i am hoping the lack of seeing me will not bore her. She is a great girl. Everyone in my family sees it and knows it, and of course comments on it. So do my friends. My mom said, "When you marry that girl, you know she will still have all the love letters your wrote her." My mom knows how great we are together. She is a one of a kind and i am glad that she is mine. I will do and would do anything and everything to make her happy with life and with me. If it came down to her going thru some real rough times and needed me to fly out, i would find a way to do it asap. I will put her first, bc she is that important to me plus more. I hope she starts to have a decent time down there. She deserves it. I love you kelly so much that i cant even describe it. I promise to try and understand what your going thru. I need you to try and see where i am coming from also. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABE! Until Next Time... Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
7:25 pm	7 days past and 33 more to go It has been 7 days since i last saw the most precious sight ever. This week has been weird. i worked everyday for the first time in a month or so. That helped out with being lonely. Hung out with the guys on tuesday night for the last time until who knows. Good time. Wednesday and thursday did absolutely nothing after work. Just came home and spent "quality time" with my parents. Friday was a good night. Went to the Kane County Cougars game with johnny and everybody. Drank somewhat of alot, but that wasn't the best part. The best part was the talk that james and me had when it was the two of us. He seriously has been the only person that knows kelly and me can work it thru a distance relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that we are meant for each other. We have something behind special and we both know that. James is a great guy. Then saturday was matt's 13th bday party...kind of lame. Really felt out of place without kelly there. I love having her at family parties and stuff. A couple of people asked where she was and i had to kind of sob and inform them. Kelly was right tho. Every little thing i see reminds me of her which isn't a bad thing. I just have to try and think of the great times that we have spent together and the great times we are going to spend together and not the fact that we wont be seeing each other like i would love for us to. Today i helped jimmy move some furniture to his new place. We then came back to my house and had practice for a little bit. Good times. Worked on some new material. Then after he left just came back here and did nothing like i have been all week. I am so lonely and bored. Its hard going from seeing someone everyday to nothing. I love kelly with all my heart and i would do anything and everything to make her happy and for or relationship to work. She really is my everything. I think more and more people my age are starting to realize that being physical with people from the opposite sex is not the most important thing. Kelly and me have been dating now for over 7 months, but it feels like over a year. To this day i still get butterflies when we kiss, whenever my phone rings or i get a text i run to it and hope its her, and if its not i am so disappointed. I know that she will do great at ASU and i really can't wait to move down there and get an apartment together with her. It will be the best. I know alot of people are not really believers in my dream. I never really had a dream of going away to school. It was one of those things that would happen when it happened. Kelly has really got me going into high gear. Everyone that i grew up with isn't here anymore and i am all alone. I miss everyone, but no one comes close to how much i miss kelly. She is great. I have always had the dream of meeting the perfect girl that i can lay with, laugh with, sleep comfortable with, never be bored with, melt when she smiles at me, and make me feel so special. My new dream is to attend ASU next year with kelly and get an apartment with her. If i don't go to ASU next year...i will still move down there and attend a community school down there and then still get an apartment with kelly. I love her to death and i can't wait for Sept. 23 to see her smiling face today. I am about to eat some chicken now (starting to eat healthy and workout to get back into shape)I really love kelly and i can't wait to talk to her again tonight. Until next time... Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
6:00 pm	as emptiness starts to unfold...love takes over So today really hasn't been the best of days for me. I have lost it. In less than 1 week my life leaves. I don't know what i am going to do when kelly leaves next week. It is going to hit me like a ton of bricks, and it already is starting. Everything that i have ever imagined in a girl, in someone that i want to be completely serious about she has. She is beyond beautiful both inside and out. She has a personality of only a dream girl. I love everything about her. She is doing the one thing that i was scared to do...following there dreams. I am not scared anymore. Having her with me, behind me, and at my side with my decisions has allowed me to stregnth up. My first dream that i will follow is keeping a hold of the girl that i love. I can remember thinking about my life when i was a little kid, thinking about how my wife was going to be, and my kids, and my house, and job and all of that good stuff. I would ask God for giving me what i want when it came to all of those. Kelly fits my description to a "T" I am so scared that she will find someone else in Arizona. I can't belive what a couple of people said to me at the party on sat. I shut down. Kelly, you do things for me that no one has ever even thought of doing. Your every move has an effect on me. It has always been a positive effect. I could never ask for anything better then you. I know i wont find it. I promise to never break your heart. I would be the worst person in the world to crack something so pure and true. I ask you to do the same. That is my demand...don't break my heart. I couldn't handle it being broken by the only thing that makes me as happy as i am being with you. We have been thru alot in under 7 months. But all of that has brought us closer and i wouldn't change anything. Thank you for allowing me to get to know you and seeing me for me. It took a lot of guts to ignore your friends and give me a chance like you did. I hope that you are has happy as i am. I do have every intention of going to ASU with you next year. Not bc i don't trust you, but bc i want to be with you. Please remember that i will always be here for you. Rain or shine, snow or fog, good times or bad times, morning or night, it doesn't matter. I don't want you to have to worry or experience any pain again. If you do, i will be there next to you trying to make everything all better. It kills me to see you down. There is nothing that makes me feel shitty than to see that look on your face bc your not having a good time, don't feel good, or bc of something your thinking about. Thank you for giving me the best 7 months of my life...i look forward to many more months with you. My months wouldn't be the same without you here in my life. You are a very special girl and i will never take you for granite. I would be a fool to do something to break your smiling face. I am going to miss you more than anything in this world. I Love You Kelly. xoxoxoxo muah! Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, June 20th, 2005
4:49 pm	tell me your secrets and ask me your questions...oh lets go back to the start Well i haven't written anything down in such a long time. Everything has been going good. I actually quit my job...thank God...and i just got a new one, but i don't know if i want to take it. I should and i probably will. I have been spending so much time with kelly. That has been amazing. This weekend alone we were with each other every night including her sleeping over on saturday. Friday we met james' girlfriend jessica. She is pretty cool, i really didn't talk to her much, but she seemed normal. Saturday i went to her meet. She is a damn good swimmer. Then later that night we went to samos gradparty, then to shaina's bday party, and then back to my house for a romantic grilled dinner for our 5 month anniversary. We peacefully went to sleep together. It was the best sleep for me, but unfortunately not so good for her. There has to be something that i can do to help you sleep more sound around me. Then sunday woke up early and went to chicago beach. We laid in the sun and played in the sand all day. I actually got tan, and didn't burn. Then back to my house for more grilling and a long, well-deserved nap with my sweetheart. No matter what we do we have the best time together. I am definitly not looking forward to her leaving in august but it will be good for her to get out of addison...i wish i could go with her. We started talking about school and her going away, and i don't want to loose her...i really don't think that i can do better than her. I couldn't see there being someone else like her out there that does all the things she does for me. She definitly does make my life so much better and i am so lucky to have her. Thank You Babe for everything that you do for me. I have started working out again...trying to get a little bigger...loose the belly get the Abs back and maybe actually get a chest. We will see. I am not going to kill myself over it. But yea. Life has been real good. The summer is well on its way, and i look foreward to spending it with friends and the best damn girlfriend ever. I hope all is well with everyone. Good Bye and until next time... Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
6:51 pm	I'm falling for you...catch me if you can. Check it out...i am "the natural" thats awesome. Well i have to pick my parents up from the airport on sunday. I have really enjoyed this week without them. I miss them, but at the same time i know they are having a great time which they deserve and i am having a great time which i deserve. I am now 20. That sucks. i am so old now. At least it feels that way. But at least i left my teens with a bang. Saturday night at my house was such a great time. Its the first time i have ever had people at my house and i actually got drunk. Usually i am uptight and making sure no one does anything stupid even tho it did. But the whole night was fun. I just wish i wouldn't have been so stupidly drunk so i could have paid more attention to kelly when we went to sleep. I mean we just passed out. i would love to of been able to talk and snuggle and really just enjoy it. hopefully we will be able to swing something this weekend. That would be great. I watched her play soccer tonight. i think she did a great job today. I am very proud of her and i hope she realizes that. Your the best babe. Your the only goal scorer in my heart. You really did play a great game today. And if you did score i was going to scream as loud as i could "THATS MY GIRLFRIEND NUMBER 34 I MEAN 24!!!!!!!!!" So yea. Thats pretty much whats going on in my life. Until Next Time... Current Mood: okay (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
5:16 pm	Your Seduction Style: The Natural You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. What Is Your Seduction Style? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
3:54 pm	If Love Is Labor...Then I Will Slave Until The End Life is great. Kelly and me worked everything out from before which is amazing. I really don't know what i would do without her. Every couple has there ups and downs, but how we were able to come out of it really shows me that we got something special. We have been having such a great time together. Last week she went over by my older friends house with me and she had a great time. I am so happy about that. They really liked her and she likes them. There's one thing that she was nervous about that she doesn't need to be anymore. We are still going strong, and getting stronger. I love it. My parents are leaving in like 48 hours for 10 days and i am excited but not for the obvious "i am going to have a huge party" reason. I just like when they are gone bc i am myself. I do what i want when i want to. Kelly can come over and spend the night(lets hope more than once) and stay as late as she wants and i can't get any crap from my parents, just hers. I could careless if i had people over or not. I am just really looking forward to having my P's gone. James and me can work on some music. He has got some new ideas that i would like to check out. We can really get started on perfecting the songs we have so we can get into the studio and record. Even if james and me have to do the bass tracks ourself i don't care. i want to get our music down on CD bc i know a ton of people can really get into it. James...you have really been a great friend. You really are a fucking badass. I have a new name. Slaves of Labor. I like it alot. Kelly...what can i say. You are so amazing. I don't know what i am going to do with you leaving next year, but i am so happy that you are going. Weird isn't it? I know, but you know what i mean. Thank you for being you and doing things for me that i thought noone could or would ever want to do. Your a real sweetheart and i owe you alot. I love you. R WE GOING TO HAVE FUN AT PROM OR WHAT ;). I really can't complain about anything right now. Everything with Kelly is the best and i can't ask for more. My friends are great. Work sucks, but whatever i don't do anything and i get paid alot. And my parent's are starting to become cool. Well until next time!!!!! Current Mood: bouncy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
10:24 pm	I hurt myself today, to see if i still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing thats real... I don't know if i actually have real friends. Or at least people that really know me. I would think that guys that i have grown up with since we were kids would know me the best, but thats far from it. I called nate today to tell him about last nights events and how i told kelly about the situation. Well i told him the whole story bc he didn't even know it and he was like so you didn't tell her the truth, you only told her some of it...i was like yea thats it. He honestly thought that something else had happened. The one guy that i thought would not still see me in that past light was the first person to think bad of me. How do i react to that. What do i say/think. I was in shock that he said that to me. And he had the nerve to fucking ask me what made me tell kelly. The fact that she has every right to know and that i feel like shit for it happening. My friends honestly expect me to continue doing those things. Fuck that. That is ridiculous. They don't even see how happy i am being with kelly, they all just instantly think that i will fuck it up. Whatever. I had a long talk about everything with my cousin sara today. It was good. It was real good to have someone to talk to about it. I really don't have anyone as you can tell bc my friends don't even really think highly of me when it comes to that situation. Although i told chris that and he laughed and said thats funny that nate and tom actually think stuff happened. That made me feel a little better bc chris and me just became friends and really didn't like each other for the longest time. I did talk to kelly a little today and it was so good to hear her voice. Even though i could sense the pain that she was feeling it was just good to hear her. I drove by her house tonight on the way home from my aunts to see if she drove over to sams so i could leave something on her car but she didn't. I really want her to see me for me the person that i am when i am with her. That is me. I am not that other guy that everyone still thinks of me. My recent life has really had its ups and downs since i fell for kelly. The ups are well kelly, she has been the biggest upper for me in so long. The downs would have to be just my past fucking up everything for me. I was able to show kelly who the real me is...then to have this happen doesn't really put a check mark next to the real me. But it does bring in the thoughts of the past. The past that i want everyone along with myself to forget. That isn't me. I am so much more than that fucking guy that just jumps around. That didn't make me happy and it was completely wrong to do. Every person that looks up to me or expects that of me can eat shit. I am who i am and that isn't it. I really need to thank one person for who i have become and that is kelly. Her believing in me and trusting me has made it possible for me to look in a mirror and see someone more than that, i see a happier more respectful john and that is bc of you kel. You are the best person and girlfriend a guy can have. I have been so understanding with everything that has been going on in your life. I really need/want you to understand this. You mean everything to me. I have changed so much and i have you to thank for it. I will never go back to my old self bc you make me happy and inspire me. Thank you again and again i will say that i am sorry and i hope that we can work together and move on together...i miss you babe. Current Mood: empty (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:33 am	Gray would be the color...if i had a heart come on tell me...i want something i can never have So i am the worst person in the world. I hurt the most important person in the world to me. The one person i promised not to hurt, promised not to make feel upset, and the one person that trusted me. The only person that has trusted me. I am completely empty inside bc of what happened and the feelings that others feel bc of this. Kelly, i have never not trusted you....i have always trusted you and i still do. I don't know ryan as well as you guys do. But having you tell me how he is with girls and telling me that he likes you and wants to go out just the two of you, what do you expect me to think. I never questioned you doing anything...i did question him. I can't and don't want to control you. I love the fact that you can go out and do what you want and i can do the same and it was trust between us. Even though this happened i don't think you should stop trusting me, i told you everything that happened bc you deserved to know. I am sorry that i had to tell you and that you already had a real shitty day on top of it. You mean the world to me. I can't believe it myself. I thought i made it completely clear to the girl that i had a girlfriend, i bent down got a beer, turned back around to ask her what time illinois played saturday bc she went to UofI, and she grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I instantly said stopped and pushed her away and reminded her about you. I even yelled at her and said what the fuck was that, we just talked about my girlfriend and you go and do that. If i knew that that was going to happen i never would have talked to her. I made it completely clear that you were in my life and how much you mean to me and everything. It was a fucked up situation. It should never of happened but it did. As soon as i could get control of the situation i did. As soon as it happened i wanted to tell you. Nate and me did have two real good talks though. On the way there we talked about everything and anything. Why gonzo is so immature, talked about you, you and me, me, erica, nate, nate and erica, him going away to school, you going away to school, and how both of us have changed since we first met. I realized alot just from the talk. It opened my eyes after saying certain things to him and him giving me feed back. From those talks, the situation that happened, how i felt after the situation, and how i wanted to tell you right away really opened my eyes on how i feel about you. You are the best thing to happen to me. I cried for about 2 hours on thursday night after dropping you off. I had tears rolling down my cheeks before you were past your house. The movie really got to me. Not bc i am thinking about becoming a firefighter, but bc linda felt so much emptiness and hurt when she say Mike at the end. She knew jack was dead. I never want you to have to feel any pain at all, no hurt, no upset/sad feelings. And i have failed at that. You inspire me to be a better person, and to just do something with my life. I kind of stopped thinking about my future but since i started talking to you, i have realized the rest of my life is just a few years away. I am so sorry that this happened. I know you probably don't like hearing me say this and i know i have said it alot in the past 12 hours, but I Love You! I do and i know i do and i love being able to say it. I really need to talk to you. I'm Sorry. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 26th, 2005
9:23 pm	What the fuck Ok my day can't get any worse now. I had written a journal down and i hit something and it completely erased everything. I don't know why. Whatever i need to get the fuck out of my house and do something. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)